Crack a la Mode
by WithFlamingWings
Summary: Cracky one-shots with a side scoop of that sugary sweet stuff. - Just a place I'm going to put my cracky one-shots when they come to mind since sharing is caring. Pairs will be set by each one-shot, not overarching ship. Rated T for safety. Latest! Chapter 2: I Ain't Even Mad (Lucy/Everyone lol)
1. Cake Make Mage (Jerzacy)

**I don't own Fairy Tail. Who are you trying to kid?**

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Having the doors of the Guild kicked off their hinges was a normal occurrence, so it was out of habit rather than shock that everyone's heads swiveled to see who had returned. They, of course, were very surprised to see who exactly had been doing the kicking.

Their sweet little Celestial Spirit Mage stood in the ruined doorway. Her eyes alight with purpose and her stance confident.

"Good morning Lucy!" Mira called, drying a glass with a calm smile on her face, "Why the entrance? You usually aren't one to destroy the guild hall when you aren't angry."

"I'm on an important mission!" Lucy answered seriously, marching through the guild. Aiming unerringly for Team Natsu's usual table where her team sat chatting with Jellal and Merdy, both having been pardoned and joined the guild not long ago.

Mira gasped, setting her glass down in excitement. "Cana!" the take-over mage squealed, alerting the drunk and pulling the brunette's attention from her barrel, "Lucy's finally going to do it! She's going to confess to Natsu!"

Cana looked over blearily before grinning, "Nah, my girl is going for Gray. Tired of him stripping in front of her, she's just gonna jump him."

Master Makarov snorted but still settled down on the bar to watch the show.

Meanwhile, Lucy had made it to her team's table and stood confidently in front of them, her eyes dancing with determination.

"Hiya Luce!" Natsu greeted, "You're finally here!" Happy, Gray, Erza, Jellal, and Merdey all turned to smile at her, expecting a greeting in return.

What they didn't expect was for Lucy to suddenly point at Erza.

"Erza Scarlet! I am in love with you!" the blonde announced loudly. The guild gasped and Makarov fell from the bar in shock.

For her part, Erza could only blush and lean toward Jellal instinctively for support. "Lucy..." she breathed.

The blonde's mouth tightened when she saw the redhead move toward the bluenette. "You haven't shown any interest in me that way, but I am confident I can earn your love! I will show you just how much I love you with my secret weapon!

"Oh yeah, girl!" Cana shouted, "Whip 'em out!" the men of the guild roared in support.

Erza, though her face was as red as her hair at this point, was still aware enough to jump on the table, summon several swords, and direct them in a protective arc around Lucy. "I won't let you sully Lucy's honor!" she yelled at the men. They were wise enough to back away from Titania but nothing could take their eyes off the scene unfolding in front of them. Erza knelt down on the table to focus on blonde before her, "Lucy, I can't te-"

"Wait." Lucy interrupted, pressing a finger to Erza's lips, "Before you say anything, just...let me show you how much I love you." she ended softly, her own cheeks tinging pink.

Erza couldn't get any redder, so she just nodded and climbed the rest of the way over the table to stand in front of Lucy.

The blonde took her wrist gently and moved her away from the table, "I learned a new magic just for you. Just so I could show you my feelings in a way I knew you wouldn't misunderstand." Lucy faced the table once more and dropped into the familiar maker mage's stance, closing her eyes.

"Did you learn ice make magic Lucy?" Gray asked excitedly.

"Course not stupid, she's not stripping like you." Natsu snickered.

Lucy's eyes snapped open and she called out loudly, " **Cake Make! Strawberry Shortcake of Love!** "

"WHAT?!" the guild shouted as one.

They were ignored because, in a puff of powdered sugar, a cake appeared on the Team Natsu's table. But it wasn't just any cake.

It was strawberry shortcake, Erza's favorite. The cake stood almost as tall as the knight herself and was as wide as Happy's wingspan. Light and sweet whipped cream was packed in with large fragrant strawberry halves in between layers of soft sponge cake. More whipped cream was piled on top of the cake and, stuck in the center of the pile, was honeyed strawberries set in the shape of a star.

Lucy smiled proudly at her creation before waving her hand down it to present it to Erza, "For you." she chirped happily.

"Lucy...I...cake...love..." Erza whimpered.

The blonde looked over to her love and smiled brightly at the looked of wonder and awe on the redhead's face. She pulled a fork from her pocket and handed it to Erza, "Like I said. For you."

Erza didn't hesitate to take the fork and dig into the monstrous cake in front of her. The second the first bite hit her tongue another whimper left her and her knees went weak, her swords dropped from their position to clatter on the floor. Lucy caught her before she could fall, holding her securely in her arms. As the redhead moaned through the rest of her bite, Lucy shot Jellal a triumphant look. Surprisingly, the heavenly body mage didn't glare back, he was studying her face with a strangely hungry look. Lucy ignored it in favor of the knight in her arms.

"Do you like it?" she asked softly.

"Oh Lucy..." was all Erza was able to get out in return.

"I'm glad." Lucy purred, smiling when she noticed the shiver run through Erza, "It's made completely of my magic and feelings for you. Because of this, you can eat as much as you want and not get sick or gain weight."

"As much as I want," Erza repeated faintly, her mouth watering enough that a little line of drool escaped.

"Of course. It wouldn't be right that you get sick from my love." Lucy hummed, "It will refill your magic though if you happen to need it."

"Magic cake." Erza drooled.

Erza might have stayed in her cake trance if it hadn't been for Natsu, who apparently had the need to try the cake Lucy had made for Erza.

The second Natsu swiped a finger through some whipped cream Erza was tackling him to the floor, spear in hand to defend her cake. "Remove your hands from my cake before I remove them myself!" Tatiana roared, her Heaven's Wheel Armor forming around her.

"We want to try the love cake!" Mira demanded, her body morphing as her Satan Soul was let free.

Erza shot off of Natsu's bruised and battered form to meet Mira midair, "Never!" Erza snarled, "It's _my_ cake! Made specially for _me_ from Lucy's love for _me_! It's mine alone!"

The rest of the guild scattered in an attempt to escape the battle between two of their strongest members. Lucy just watched with a smile, happy that Erza loved her cake enough to fight for it.

"Impressive." a deep voice said, making Lucy whip around in surprise. Jellal stood just behind her, deep blue eyes running over the blonde's body. "You learned a magic just to give our beloved Erza all the cake she could ever want."

"Our?" Lucy asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jellal gave her a small smile, "I know that Erza told you that we started dating when I joined the guild. I assume that is why you set out to master this." he gestured to the cake and Lucy nodded. "What you don't know is that you come up just as often in my private conversations with Erza as you do in public ones." the bluenette leaned down a little, "I'm quite sure your feelings for her are returned." Lucy's eyes lit up but Jellal pushed on. "I think we could come to an arrangement to keep our Scarlet Knight happy."

Lucy blinked and narrowed her eyes at Jellal, "What sort of arrangement?"

Jellal's smile grew into a smirk and he moved to pin Lucy against the table, startling the blonde and making her blush as he bent down to brush his lips against her ear. "I know Erza is in love with you because of the way she speaks about you. To see her speaking with such passion and to then confirm her words with my own observations, well...I couldn't help but fall a little in love with you myself." Lucy shivered when his teeth grazed her ear, feeling his chuckle through her whole body. "I know you likely won't feel the same way yet, but I believe the three of us...together could be spectacular." Lucy looked up into Jellal's eyes as he pulled back just a little. The blue depths showed nothing but sincerity that only partially hid a healthy amount of lust.

Well, no one could say that Lucy was blind. She knew that Jellal was hot; hell, even her fantasies of Erza had sometimes revolved around her walking in on the two of them and being asked to join. Being in a true relationship with the two of them? She hadn't ever really considered the idea but the more she thought about it...yes, she decided. It would work quite nicely.

But like hell would she allow Jellal to retain the upper hand.

"Erza!" Lucy called loudly, looking over Jellal's shoulder for the beautiful redhead.

Titania was currently pinning Mira to the ground, a sword at the demon barmaids throat, but she paused at Lucy's call. She looked over at Lucy curiously and barely even blinked when she saw Jellal's current position. "Yes?"

"Leave this cake for the guild." Lucy said with a smile, "I can make you more over at your place and Jellal here just offered to be your plate!" Erza's face went red again and Jellal choked, jerking back to stare at Lucy with wide eyes.

"J-jell-al..." Erza stuttered, her wide eyes seeking her boyfriend.

"Yep!" Lucy chirped, she grabbed Jellal's hand and pulled him after her as she made her way to Erza. "I can make about three more cakes before I need to rest and replenish my magic. I'm sure Jellal can behave long enough to be a plate for at least one of those." Lucy pulled the redhead off of Mira gently.

"I love you, Lucy." Erza blurted out, her cheeks would likely never recover at this point.

Lucy beamed and released Jellal so she could kiss Erza. The Knight responded enthusiastically, her armor melting away into her normal clothing. The guild whooped and hollered as the two women came together. Watching, Jellal's pants grew tight and he shifted on his feet in an attempt to subtly hide his growing erection.

When the two parted, for a moment, all they could do was stare at each other in a daze. Then Lucy gave Erza a mischevious smile and tilted her head toward Jellal, "I think you have a cake to eat."

"Yes, immediately," Erza responded.

Both girls took one of Jellal's wrists and pulled him quickly out of the guild behind them. The heavenly body mage went without protest.

"What the hell just happened?" Gray shouted.

"A threesome!" Merdy squeaked, racing over to Mira, "A threesome Mira! How did we miss that?!"

The demon barmaid turned wide eyes to the pink hair mage, "Oh my Mavis!" she squealed, her satan soul fading away, "Think of all THE BABIES!"

The guild exploded with noise, gossip flying and bets being placed. Mira and Merdy wouldn't stop squealing for half the day. People did wonder over and try Lucy's 'love cake' and everyone could easily see how Erza could get so worked up over it. Not only did it taste amazing but when the magic in the cake sank into you, you could feel the overwhelming, warm, fuzzy feeling of the love Lucy felt for their Titania.

At the bar, as Master Makarov finally righted himself, Cana snorted, "Poor Jellal. Erza and Lucy are going to eat the man alive." Makarov dropped off the bar again.

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 **Like I said in the description, this will be where I dump my cracky one-shots and drabbles. Sometimes they just hit and I'm tired on of not doing anything with them. At least here they can be enjoyed and maybe spark some more fics from other writers.**

 **Comment and maybe I'll get some more wild ideas. ;)**


	2. I Ain't Even Mad (Lucy-Everyone)

**Another cracky drabble since Lucy pairs so well with almost** ** _everyone_** **. Seriously, she's Fairy Tail's Tony Stark(does that make Natsu Steve or Pepper, lol).**

 **Disclaimer in Chapter 1.**

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"Luce, we need to talk," Natsu said, approaching the unsuspecting blonde who was just sitting at the guild bar, drinking her usual shake.

Lucy turned to blink at her partner, he had been acting shifty for the last couple days but she knew he would come to her when he was ready to talk. She smiled at him, "What's up Natsu?"

"Lucy, I know." the fire dragon slayer said, straight-faced and serious.

"Know what exactly?" the blonde prompted when Natsu didn't continue.

"That you're in love with me." Natsu bit out, he was trying to be quiet but the usual people who sat along the bar went silent, all ears going to the conversation. "I know you're in love with me but I can't return those feelings. I'm sorry."

Lucy gaped at her partner in disbelief.

"I hope we can still be friends," Natsu added quickly, sincerely, "And don't worry Luce, I'll help you find someone who could love you and help you keep them."

Further along the bar, Makarov choked on his beer. Lucy couldn't even feel offended, she could only stare in horror at the trainwreck that was happening before her.

Apparently, it was about to get worse because Natsu's cheeks stained red and his eyes dropped to the ground, "And I know, you're probably experiencing...urges."

Cana fell off her stool, trying desperately to smother her laughs in her barrel.

"Oh sweet stars." Lucy whispered, her horrified gaze never leaving the pinkette, "Is _Natsu_ giving _me_ the sex talk right now?"

"There's nothing wrong with them!" Natsu insisted immediately, apparently having heard her and misinterpreted her, "It's completely natural. I just don't want you to go off with some random..." he swallowed hard, "It's not safe...I-I've heard about special-"

"For the love of Mavis shut up!" Lucy shouted, her hand shooting out and covering Natsu's mouth.

The blonde's shout had drawn the attention of the rest of the guild; who quickly found their favorite Celestial Spirit Mage with her hand over a red-faced Natsu's mouth while Cana rolled on the floor laughing, Makarov seemed to be hacking up a lung on the bar top, and Mira had her hand over her mouth, her face pale.

Lucy let out a long-suffering sigh and pinched the bridge of her nose with her free hand, "Natsu, the only love I hold for you is familial love, you're like a brother to me." Natsu's eyebrows scrunched in confusion, "As for the rest of that mess...dear Mavis, I don't even know how to..." she trailed off when she noticed their audience, "Never mind, I know exactly how to address that."

The Celestial Mage released her partner and climbed up on the bar, "In case you missed it, Natsu thinks I need help finding someone who could love me and keeping that person." Lucy announced, a ripple of disbelief ran through the guild, "Please, sound off if you could see yourself being up to the _hardship_ that is loving me. In a real relationship."

"Well, if you're taking applications for the position Blondie I may as well put mine at the top." Laxus threw out without hesitation, grinning at the blonde from the second floor.

"Princess!" Loke shouted, appearing in a burst of gold, "Obviously I should be the one to cherish you! Let's run away and get married!"

"No way, Loke." Gray huffed, shoving the spirit before looking to Lucy, "I would definitely be in a relationship with you, Lucy."

Somewhere in a dark corner of the guild, the Water Woman whispered, "A polyamorous relationship with my precious Gray and Love Rival. Juvia had not considered that."

"It would be an honor to court you Lady Lucy," Freed said with a slight bow.

Several other voices overlapped before Elfman shouted over the din, "Dating Lucy would be super manly!"

"Count me in Cosplayer." Bickslow cackled, "You've got a beautiful soul and a bangin'-"

"Shove off Bickslow!" Cana yelled, jumping to her feet, "If anyone is going to get to date Lucy it's me!"

"Give it up Drunkard!" Gajeel yelled, "Bunny wants a man who can please her. Like me. Gihi."

"Actually, I'm pansexual." Lucy piped up.

"Pansexual, you say?" a chocolaty rich voice purred, a puff of black smoke appeared behind Lucy and a perfectly manicured hand tilted her chin up as the rest of a body materialized from the smoke, "So you would not be totally against a Demon King?" Mard Geer asked, he smirked at the surprised blonde, "After all, who better for a Princess than a King?"

Said King was quickly sent flying by a scaled and an armored fist. Lucy blinked when she found Mira and Erza in front of her, Mira in full Satan Soul and Erza in her Heaven's Wheel armor, both having shoved Natsu back.

"I shall be your knight Lucy." Erza said sternly, "My swords are at your command."

"I never knew you were open to the same gender, Lucy," Mira said, releasing her transformation, "I would love to take you to dinner some time."

The doors to the guild flew open and a cocky voice rang out, "If Bright Eyes wants to date someone batshit insane, why would she choose you when she could have me?"

"You're more liable to poison her without thinking, Cobra." Midnight yawned from where he and the entirety of Crime Sorcire stood in the guilds doorway, "Dawn should date me. We're both stronger at night and I..." he dozed off against the door frame.

Again, more voices overlapped as those who already sounded off began to argue among themselves who would be the best for Lucy. At some point, somehow, mages from Sabertooth arrived.

"I would definitely date you if I wasn't already with Sting," Yukino said softly to Lucy.

The light dragon slayer grinned at Lucy, "I'm sure we could make room for a third."

"Lucy deserves to be first." Rogue reprimanded, knocking Sting in the head. "I would put her first."

"Fro thinks so too." the little exceed exclaimed, Lucy cooed down at the little cat and many of the potentials in the guild glared at Rogue for using his secret weapon.

The shattering of a window and the crash of the armor in the center of the guild had everyone stopping to see who had joined them now.

The armored brunette man shot to his feet, "Never fear my love! For I, Dan Straight, am here to provide you with the love you need! We are fated to be together!"

Lucy blanched, "I wouldn't date you if you were the last being on Earthland Dan!" the blonde shouted.

"You heard the lady!" Gray snapped, cracking his knuckles and preparing his magic, "Get out!"

"Yes, leave." Ogra growled, "Obviously she'll be choosing me. The Real Thunder God."

"Over my dead body wannabe!" Laxus snarled.

"I will protect Lucy's honor!" Erza screamed, brandishing her swords.

"Guess whoever wins gets to date Bright Eyes huh?" Cobra grinned, letting his scales cover his hands.

"Oh, you're on Snakeface!" Canna yelled, pulling out her cards.

The guild soon became the site for the massive brawl over Lucy.

The blonde simply perched herself on the counter to watch the proceedings. She couldn't see half what happened because of the magical attacks being tossed around but she did catch glimpses of the action. She did wonder when Lyon had shown up though and seeing Flare's hair wriggling through the mass of bodies was a surprise, as was Princess Hisui who was directing her Captain to poke at the mass of bodies from the edge of the group. Seeing both Jellal and Mystogan in the brawl was mystifying (the blonde snickered to herself), but she was sure that there was a good reason for the latter's return to Earthland (or maybe it was just the Fairy Tail craziness calling him home).

"Lucy?" Natsu started, softer than before. The blonde looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean...I shouldn't have said..."

Lucy rolled her eyes, "Honestly Natsu. It was embarrassing but now? I ain't even mad. I mean," she gestured to the brawl, "just look at all the fine choices I have."

"Yes," Mard's voice came again, just as Lucy felt strong arms lift her up into a bridal carry, "'Choices'." the Demon King mocked, "Let me help you with that My Queen."

"Mard's got, Lucy!" Mirajane shouted, already in Satan Soul: Sitri.

"Get him!" Levy shrieked.

"Let us depart," Mard said calmly even as he made a run for it, Lucy tucked close to his chest.

Lucy just allowed herself to be carried away, she wasn't feeling particularly endangered. No, she felt rather loved. As long as it wasn't Dan Straight (shudder), she knew she would be fine. Urges and all.


End file.
